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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23101333">full of honey and wounds</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/closingdoors/pseuds/closingdoors'>closingdoors</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Emmerdale</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Vanessa Woodfield could fill her bath with my tears tbh she's breaking my heart</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 13:40:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,892</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23101333</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/closingdoors/pseuds/closingdoors</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"I don't know how to do any of this," Charity confesses quietly. </p><p>"It's alright. Neither do I."</p><p>Charity joins Vanessa in the bath, following Tuesday 10th March's episode. Inspired by <a href="https://twitter.com/mozzadingle/status/1237462409989836803">this tweet.</a></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>197</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>full of honey and wounds</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Like a snake, my heart<br/>
has shed its skin. <br/>
I hold it here in my hand, <br/>
full of honey and wounds.</p><p>
  <strong>Corazón Nuevo, Federico Garcia Lorca</strong>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Once she's gathered herself, she heads upstairs, poking her head in on Vanessa. The bath is still running and Vanessa's just shrugging out of her pyjamas, wincing as she tries to pull her t-shirt over her head.</p><p>"Hey," Charity murmurs, closing the door behind her and crossing the room hastily. "Let me help."</p><p>There's still a voice in the back of her head, taunting her, saying she's smothering Vanessa. That she's useless. But Vanessa smiles at her gratefully, holding her arms above her head, and she chooses to ignore it.</p><p>"You want anything?" Charity asks, once Vanessa's clothes are a puddle on the floor. She scoops them up and throws them in the hamper for her. Vanessa's watching her in a way that makes her skin itch. "Brew? Glass of wine? You could have the whole bottle if you'd like, I won't judge, babe." </p><p>Vanessa smiles, placing her ring on the side. She approaches Charity and slowly tugs the zip on her hoodie down. Charity's hands catch her wrists to stop her.</p><p>"Ness - "</p><p>"Get in with me. That's what I want. I want you close to me." </p><p>Charity shakes her head. She moves past Vanessa to switch the taps off, testing the temperature of the water with her fingertips. Scalding, just the way Vanessa likes. </p><p>Vanessa's hand settles at the bottom of her back, working its way under her hoodie and t-shirt until its pressed against her bare skin. Charity sighs. She wants to lean back into the touch but she's so <em>afraid. </em></p><p>"You said you'd give me anything I want."</p><p>Charity does lean back at that, closing her eyes when Vanessa props her chin on her shoulder, her nose rubbing against her jaw. </p><p>"That's not fair." </p><p>"None of this is fair," Vanessa replies quietly.</p><p>Charity's throat is still tight when she climbs into the bathtub with Vanessa. Vanessa leans back against her, cradled by her legs, and Charity closes her arms around her to pull their bodies flush together, thumb brushing over the skin on her abdomen that's still riddled with scarring from the stabbing.</p><p>She thought that'd been fear, back then. All those hours overnight, wondering whether Vanessa was going to make it, falling asleep by her bedside because she refused to leave even as the others insisted she should go home for a change of clothes, at least.</p><p>But <em>this. </em>This is months of uncertainty. Her heart in her throat, paranoid that everything she does is wrong, is <em>hurting </em>Vanessa in some way. </p><p>This is real fear.</p><p>Vanessa's index finger runs down Charity's right thigh. She stops at one small, puckered scar, one of the marks Bails had left her with. Charity doesn't have to say anything; Vanessa already knows the story behind it. It strikes her that no-one will ever know her as well as Vanessa. Plenty of people know her body, but none know the story behind it like Vanessa does.</p><p>She really doesn't know what she'll do if Vanessa doesn't make it. She's been trying so <em>hard </em>to tell herself that Vanessa will, because she no longer knows how to live a life without Vanessa in it. But the reality is that she just doesn't know. They're in a liminal state, and they'll either come out of it together or she'll come out of it alone.</p><p>"You're not useless. And I didn't mean it how Tracy made it sound, you know, about feeling suffocated. I'm just frustrated. You're doing your best," Vanessa tells her, craning her neck so that she can press a kiss to Charity's jaw, "and I can't ask for anything other than that."</p><p>"I don't know how to do any of this," Charity confesses quietly. </p><p>"It's alright. Neither do I."</p><p>"Tracy knows. She came in here, babbling about rubbish cards and what to say to the kids - "</p><p>"Tracy's been through all this before with David. I'm not saying it's easier for her, but she's got experience with this sort of thing. She's not at the heart of it like you." </p><p>"Ness," she sighs, eyes stinging with tears again.</p><p>Vanessa squeezes her thigh. "You have to tell me. If you're scared, or overwhelmed, or feeling helpless. We're in this together." Vanessa's fingers trace a pattern on her knee and she sniffles. "I'm so sorry to put you through this." </p><p>"What are you talking about?" </p><p>"You don't deserve this. Any of this. If I were a better person, I'd let you go." </p><p>Charity sits up straight, pushing Vanessa away just enough that she can turn her so that they're facing each other. Vanessa ducks her head and stares at the beauty marks on Charity's sternum, her fingers coming up to drift over them as tears leak from her eyes.</p><p>"Right. You listen to me, lady. There's no world in which I'm leaving your side, alright? Even if you try and go, I'm holding onto you. I'd fight tooth and bloody nail for you, babe."</p><p>"You say that now, but it'll be different once it all becomes more real," Vanessa pauses. Her brows pull together and Charity waits patiently as she tries to gather her words. "I know you're not the same, you and Kirin..."</p><p><em>That </em>is something Charity hadn't expected her to say. Kirin's a sore subject. She can count on one hand how many times Vanessa's mentioned him.</p><p>"I'd sodding well hope not, babe." </p><p>Vanessa laughs wetly. "I had a scare once before. Breast cancer. He, um, he found a lump, and I was scared. I was <em>terrified, </em>really, because that's something my aunt had passed away from. And he swore he was going to be there for me but when it came down to it - well, it's a good thing I had Rhona instead. He completely avoided me and told everyone from here to Hotten about it. I was fine in the end, obviously, but until I found out he stayed away."</p><p>Anger flares bright in her chest. She cradles Vanessa's cheeks in her palms and Vanessa finally meets her eyes.</p><p>"Alright, yeah, I'm flamin' terrified. You're my entire world, babe, I - I can't imagine my life without you in it, as needy as that sounds. But I'm here for it all. The good and the bad. I'm not gonna be anything like him. I had a wobble but I'm here now. I'm staying." </p><p>"I know," Vanessa concedes quietly. Her lower lip quivers. "But when I'm... when all my hair's fallen out, and I sleep all day, and I'm sick, and I have that humiliating bloody bag, you'll regret sticking with me."</p><p>"Would you leave? If it were me?" </p><p>"Of course not," Vanessa replies hotly. </p><p>"There you go then. I'd never regret you and me, babe." </p><p>Vanessa's eyes slide closed. "I'm not gonna be attractive." </p><p>"Babe," she says sharply, "do you really think I'm gonna care about any of that?" </p><p>"I wouldn't blame you if you did."</p><p>"Hey. I want you however you are. As long as you're with me, Ness, that's all I care about. We're gonna have the rest of our lives together to worry about the other stuff."</p><p>Vanessa opens her eyes and the look she gives her is so blazing that her breath catches in her throat. Vanessa leans forward and kisses her hard, her hands tangling in her short hair. Charity rests her hands on her waist carefully. </p><p>"Don't cry," she murmurs when she tastes tears on her lips. She presses their foreheads together. "You're gonna be alright." </p><p>"You don't <em>know </em>that."</p><p>Charity forces a smile. "I bloody well do. You're gonna get better and then I'll let you make an honest woman of me. How's that for a deal?"</p><p>"I don't think anyone can make an honest woman of you," Vanessa remarks with a cheeky smile. It reaches her eyes and Charity's heart beats faster in her chest; it's the happiest Vanessa's looked in weeks. "But I guess I'll give it a go." </p><p>Vanessa shifts so that she can settle between her thighs again, the water sloshing around them. Charity tightens her legs around her and rests her hand over Vanessa's breast to feel her heartbeat. It's still strong and steady. She has to tell herself that it'll keep being that way. </p><p>They have so much life ahead of them. So much left to do. Love to share, kids to raise.</p><p><em>You can't leave me, </em>she wants to say, <em>I can't do any of this without you.</em></p><p>Vanessa's nails scratch against the back of her hand. Charity presses her nose against her neck and breathes her in, feeling the thrum of her pulse against her lips. She presses a gentle kiss against that sign of life.</p><p>Eventually, she becomes aware that Vanessa's hands have relaxed over her knees, that her head is heavy on her shoulder. She shifts just enough to check and see that Vanessa's fallen asleep.</p><p>Charity presses her lips together to stop herself from crying. It's so hard to keep it all in but the last thing Vanessa needs is to wake up to find her blubbering all over her. She has to be strong. </p><p>She swirls her fingers over a scar on one of Vanessa's knees, one she'd gotten on her first job as a vet, tripping over after a horse had almost kicked her in the head. She'd gotten back up and tended to the spooked animal even as her knee had bled through her overalls. </p><p>That's the kind of person Vanessa is: brave and compassionate. Selfless in a way that's almost self-destructive. </p><p>She knows these things about her, knows every scar and mark and molecule of Vanessa's body, just as Vanessa does about her. They lay together in bed every night and wake up together every morning. Charity knows how she takes her tea and what songs she sings in the shower and how she loops<em> g</em>'s in her handwriting. All these small, inane details that she'd taken for granted. She wants to keep knowing them; she doesn't want to lose Vanessa and risk forgetting them.</p><p>Her chest tightens. The intensity of her fear makes it hard to breathe. </p><p>She wants to stay like this, just holding Vanessa as she sleeps, the rest of the world silent outside and the sky dark at the window. She wants to watch over her and make sure nothing can ever hurt her again. The chafing around her mouth is gone and the bruising on her wrists is starting to subside, but Charity finds her hands curling around them anyway, thumbs passing over where it had been worst. She wants to stay right here until the reminders have faded completely.</p><p>This moment can't last forever, no matter how much she wants it to. The water is beginning to cool and the tips of her fingers are starting to prune. They have to keep going. </p><p>"Ness," she murmurs, shaking her gently, "wake up, babe."</p><p>"Whaswrong?" Vanessa asks, voice rough with sleep, eyes fluttering open.</p><p>"You're alright, babe. Let's wash your hair and get you to bed, yeah?"</p><p>Vanessa wakes as she reaches over her for the shampoo. She takes it from Charity's hands, sitting up so that their bodies no longer touch. </p><p>"I can do that," Charity protests.</p><p>Vanessa works the shampoo into her hair silently. Charity sighs, watching the play of muscles in her back. She lets her fingers drift over her spine. </p><p>She'd protect Vanessa from anything; she'd kill for her. She would've killed Pierce, had that police officer not caught her trying to sneak in. It makes her ache, thinking about how she can't protect her from this, this cancer, the way Vanessa's body is turning in on itself. This isn't a problem she can yell into submission. She can't beat this with her fists.</p><p>This is something that needs patience and compassion and hope. Those are things only Vanessa's taught her how to feel. </p><p>Vanessa's hands drop into the water, washing the shampoo from her palms. Her shoulders slump. </p><p>"Pierce brushed my hair before he called Rhona." </p><p>Charity inhales sharply and waits. Vanessa has constantly deflected the subject of Pierce and what he'd done to her. . </p><p>"I felt so out of control. He would... he would <em>feed </em>me, like I was a child, he'd monitor when I'd ask for the loo," Vanessa whispers. One of her hands wraps around Charity's ankle. "I kept thinking, once I get through this, once I get Johnny out, I'll be okay. But I'm still helpless. I'm not in control of my own body."</p><p>Charity sits up tentatively. She knows the feeling.</p><p>"You're safe with me."</p><p>"I know."</p><p>She places her hand on Vanessa's shoulder. When Vanessa doesn't pull away, her hands work their way into her hair, massaging the shampoo in, thumbs adding pressure in the places that make Vanessa sigh.</p><p>"I'm here," Charity murmurs, dropping a kiss to her shoulder.</p><p>Vanessa reaches back, curling her fingers at her jaw. "So am I."</p><p>Charity fights tears and washes the shampoo from Vanessa's hair. </p><p>Vanessa heads off to their room, slipping her ring back on, as Charity drains the water. She's dressed once Charity enters the bedroom, her eyes tired as she sits at the end of the bed, watching Charity gather her pyjamas. She looks pale in the lamplight and Charity's heart stutters; she wonders if she's always going to look at Vanessa now and think about how ill she looks.</p><p>If Vanessa doesn't make it, is this how she's going to remember her?</p><p>How many of these moments are their last?</p><p>The thought brings bile to her throat. Charity pushes it away and dresses, ignoring how much her hands are shaking.</p><p>"What would you do tonight, if I wasn't sick?" </p><p>"Probably remind you that it's your turn to do the washing." </p><p>Vanessa chucks one of the throw pillows at her. Charity catches it with a laugh. </p><p>"I'd probably tell you that it's a bit rude you haven't opened your present, too," Charity says, setting the pillow down and nodding to the tablet, still sitting in its box on their dresser. "Cost me an arm and a leg, that did." </p><p>"I keep meaning to ask Noah to help me set it up." </p><p>"What, so he can make fun of you and your ineptitude with technology?" </p><p>"Give over. Like you're any better than me. How many times have you butt-dialed me?" </p><p>"Those are called booty calls, Vanessa. Different thing." </p><p>Vanessa laughs, bright and loud, her nose wrinkling as she does. When she fists her hand in the front of Charity's shirt and tugs, Charity follows, sitting down beside her. </p><p>"Can we pretend? Just for one night? Can we pretend that everything's normal?"</p><p>"<em>Normal </em>is a hard thing to come by under this roof." She winks. "If that's what you want, babe, we can try." </p><p>Vanessa nods. "Thank you."</p><p>She leans forward to kiss her softly. Vanessa's hand curls around the back of her neck, holding her in place. The kiss grows heated and Charity goes with it for a little while, her fears leaking away from her for a moment and her chest warm, her heart tumbling when Vanessa's tongue brushes her lower lip. She's been too afraid to really touch Vanessa recently and she misses her.</p><p>Vanessa's hand sneaks under her t-shirt, drifting over her stomach and towards her breast. Charity catches her hand and pulls away. She doesn't say anything, doesn't even shake her head, and Vanessa gives in, her hands retreating. </p><p>She watches Vanessa grit her teeth and fight against her pain as she crawls beneath the bedcovers. Charity settles beside her, grabbing the crossword she'd left incomplete last night from her bedside table.</p><p>Vanessa scrolls through her phone, her free hand resting on her thigh, and Charity finds breathing a little easier. It's not going to make it go away, behaving as though Vanessa isn't sick, but it isn't going to harm them either, not for one night. This could be any other day; soon enough Vanessa will get bored and try to give her the answers to the crossword. She hardly ever gets them right.</p><p>"Seven down, isn't that transparency?" </p><p>Charity holds back a laugh. "No, babe, it's not."</p><p>Vanessa pouts, resting her cheek on her shoulder. </p><p>They bicker over the crossword until Charity completes it, Vanessa complaining that the clues are too hard while Charity tries to tune her out. Then they finally put that movie on, the one Vanessa had fallen asleep halfway through a couple nights ago, and they switch off the lamplights until it's only the lights from the movie casting across the room.</p><p>Charity tucks herself against Vanessa's side, her thigh hooking over her legs to anchor her down. Vanessa's warm and her breathing slow. She's content, she realises, as one of Vanessa's hands slides into her hair and plays with the ends. Vanessa's happy with her. </p><p>"I love you."</p><p>"I love you too."</p><p>"No. I mean - " She stops, screwing her eyes shut. Sometimes the word love doesn't feel big enough. "I <em>really </em>love you."</p><p>The hand in her hair pauses. </p><p>"I really love you too," Vanessa whispers.</p><p>Charity sighs. Vanessa scratches at the back of her neck and kisses her temple. She's asleep before her lips leave her skin.</p><p> </p>
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